Top 100 "challenged" books of 2000-2009 and why I've never done cocaine

The American Library Association publishes a list of the most banned/challenged books by decade.  (Side note: referring to a banned book as "challenged" is a bit like the Irish habit of referring to forty years of sectarian violence as "the Troubles," and World War II as "the emergency.")

I stumbled across the list during one of those Internet tangents that happen to the best of us.

Mary: I remember Go Ask Alice
Mary: Not a lot about the plot, but definitely remember that it was kind of "controversial" book and so we were all into it
me: there's a song by Jefferson Airplane called White Rabbit that came out in 1969
Mary: right
me: I was reading the lyrics, I think it's definitely where the title came from
Mary: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Go_Ask_Alice

Right.  So as long as I'm being all Captain Obvious-

-I'd like to point out that the only reason I read Go Ask Alice in the 7th grade was because it was banned, and that was reason enough for me.  In case you haven't read it, Go Ask Alice is the "diary" of a young girl who slowly becomes involved with drugs and eventually (spoiler alert) dies.  At one time, it was required reading in our public school.  It was banned, presumably because there is drug use, sex and rape.  Parents complained.    And I get wanting to protect your kids, but 1) I do not support banning books for any reason and 2) by the time we were in 7th grade, one of the hot topics was about how Eddie cheated on Meg with Nina and they went to third base, so unfortunately kids at that age are a little more aware than we'd like them to be, so throwing something like Go Ask Alice at them isn't exactly going to get the same reaction as when they found out about Santa Claus.  Granted, we were still using bases to talk about sexual acts, but hey, who doesn't?  

Anyway, Go Ask Alice is obviously much more of a warning against drugs than an advertisement, probably because, like another popular young adult book of our times, it was written by a Mormon With a Social Agenda.

Not that one.

There it is.  Stephanie Meyer, author of Twilight.  With Seth Green?

Which brings me to another ridiculous Young Adult series, Sweet Valley High.

I started reading SVH when I was something like 11 years old, and it featured all sorts of amazing story lines.  I mean, check out the mustache on this guy.  LOOK AT THE MUSTACHE:

The twins were kidnapped, solving murders and almost-raped at least 50 times through the series.  There was even an evil twin (triplet??) who shows up and tries to take over their lives.  (And yet, SVH has never made that banned books list.)  Anyway, in one of the books, deaf beauty Regina Marrow tries cocaine just once and dies due to an undetected heart murmur.  Dies on a couch, asking for stupid Elizabeth Wakefield who has eyes the color of the Pacific Ocean and all-American good looks.  Also, I think she had just become not-deaf like, the book before.

Yes.  Because she dies.

This book scared the crap out of me and hence I became the coke-free blogger I am today.  Thanks, Francine Pascal and your army of ghost writers.

So without further ado, I present the ALA's Most Challenged Books list of 2000-2009.  Use it as a check list.  (Particularly #34 and #35.)  I put a star next to the ones I've read so that you can compare, and also because I'm a show-off.

How Not to Reassure a Cynic

As the black Santa Claus who worked at Macy's in December of 1990 can attest, I am an extremely skeptical person.

For the past several months I've been enduring chronic lower back pain. It's nothing close to a demon drilling into my eye, more along the lines of a troublesome imp kicking my lumbar. A gremlin rotating my spinal discs, or perhaps a lesser goblin operating a gondola service through my spinal canal.

The best treatment to chronic lower back pain,  people smarter than me say, is to see a Chiropractor. The cynic inside me was yelling "let me out, I have a family! I'll give you anything!" and also something about chiropractors not being medical doctors. As stubborn of a skeptic as I am, I'm open minded enough to try most anything at least once. Plus my insurance covers it.

Fuck You Jenny McCarthy

I just got a flu shot! Or rather, an anti-flu shot (you have to remember to ask for that)!

There is a group of people who believe that, despite any scientific evidence proving otherwise, vaccinations cause Autism, Retardation, decreased SAT scores, Human Cortico-Deficiency Virus, Legacy Virus, back-talking, sass-mouth and in rare cases witchcraft. I call these people F.U.C.K.I.N.G.C.R.A.Z.Y. for short and pretend I was clever enough to come up with words to fit the acronym. 

I look at vaccinations differently. Vaccinations are nothing less than science's ability to grant us superpowers. Every time I receive a vaccination I can cross another viral nemesis off my list. They're not injecting egg yoke into me as much as extracting weakness. It's a gift that can't be taken away. The apocalypse comes, and we all have to make some hard decisions and compromise what we thought we were to survive the zombie hordes, but hey - I don't have to worry about Yellow Fever (unless the Yellow Fever vaccinations caused the Zombie onslaught).  

Whenever I travel to other countries, I eagerly pop open the US State department's website to see what new super powers I have an excuse to ask for (pro tip: always go to the travel clinic if you want the fun vaccinations, physicians usually only carry the MMR and Tetanus vaccines as well as the vials of mislabeled autism mixed in). Before traveling to Peru (maybe Brazil? I'm really cool) the doctor offered me two vaccination options for Typhoid (squee): a refrigerated pill which would provide 5 years of resistance or a painful injection which would last 10. If she had offered 15 years for a kick in the balls I probably would have said yes. Take note potential assassins: slipping typhoidic tissue into my drink will not work (and it's so cliché anyway).

The Department of Health is (considering?) suggesting boys under 18 be vaccinated against HPV as well as girls. What about 27? When the current generation of HPV-free humans enslave the rest of us I don't want to be on the receiving end of the (HPV-free) overseer's whip. Also, what about other papillomaviruses? All it takes is one person to screw a pig, and then BAM - brainless mobs of PPV infected undead are clawing at your door and you're regretting your stance on gun control.

Katie suggested that I became gay from a childhood vaccination, but I'd be disappointed to find out that the vaccination against heterosexuality was only successful 2-4% of the time.