Friday, November 4, 2011

Fuck You Jenny McCarthy

I just got a flu shot! Or rather, an anti-flu shot (you have to remember to ask for that)!

There is a group of people who believe that, despite any scientific evidence proving otherwise, vaccinations cause Autism, Retardation, decreased SAT scores, Human Cortico-Deficiency Virus, Legacy Virus, back-talking, sass-mouth and in rare cases witchcraft. I call these people F.U.C.K.I.N.G.C.R.A.Z.Y. for short and pretend I was clever enough to come up with words to fit the acronym. 

I look at vaccinations differently. Vaccinations are nothing less than science's ability to grant us superpowers. Every time I receive a vaccination I can cross another viral nemesis off my list. They're not injecting egg yoke into me as much as extracting weakness. It's a gift that can't be taken away. The apocalypse comes, and we all have to make some hard decisions and compromise what we thought we were to survive the zombie hordes, but hey - I don't have to worry about Yellow Fever (unless the Yellow Fever vaccinations caused the Zombie onslaught).  

Whenever I travel to other countries, I eagerly pop open the US State department's website to see what new super powers I have an excuse to ask for (pro tip: always go to the travel clinic if you want the fun vaccinations, physicians usually only carry the MMR and Tetanus vaccines as well as the vials of mislabeled autism mixed in). Before traveling to Peru (maybe Brazil? I'm really cool) the doctor offered me two vaccination options for Typhoid (squee): a refrigerated pill which would provide 5 years of resistance or a painful injection which would last 10. If she had offered 15 years for a kick in the balls I probably would have said yes. Take note potential assassins: slipping typhoidic tissue into my drink will not work (and it's so cliché anyway).

The Department of Health is (considering?) suggesting boys under 18 be vaccinated against HPV as well as girls. What about 27? When the current generation of HPV-free humans enslave the rest of us I don't want to be on the receiving end of the (HPV-free) overseer's whip. Also, what about other papillomaviruses? All it takes is one person to screw a pig, and then BAM - brainless mobs of PPV infected undead are clawing at your door and you're regretting your stance on gun control.

Katie suggested that I became gay from a childhood vaccination, but I'd be disappointed to find out that the vaccination against heterosexuality was only successful 2-4% of the time.

1 comment:

  1. WHOA WHOA WHOA. WAIT A MINUTE! YOU'RE GAY!??! I've been reading a gay blog!??! Does this mean I'm gay? Where is my vaccine!??