Monday, September 19, 2011

An Open Letter from the DC DMV to All New DC Drivers

Dear New DC Driver,

Welcome to DC!  We invite you to explore our neighborhoods, our monuments, our rich diversity, and our mediocre lunch options.  Then, at the end of your day-- or at the beginning!!-- we encourage you to forget everything you have ever known about driving.

Remember, in DC, a turn signal functions as a right-of-way.  Turn it on and then blindly swing into your lane of choice!  After all, you have the right of way!  The only exception to this rule is if someone in that lane actually leaves room for you to go.  In that case, continue slowly driving next to that car with your blinker on, not acknowledging the space they have provided.

And speaking of driving slowly next to someone!  You were probably taught in some "state" that the left lane is for passing.  Not in DC or the surrounding area, it isn't!  No, the two lanes are just two random lanes, and you should choose to drive in whichever lane at whatever speed you choose.  You'll know you're doing it right when you can go at the exact same pace at the person next to you!  You ARE the best driver, and therefore should be able to dictate the speed of every other person on the road.

Tbumbs up, Grover!

But what if that person gets ahead of you at the light?  Don't let him get away with that!  Even if the light turns red, you should still go.  Normal rules don't apply to DC drivers!  Doesn't look like you'll fit?  Other car directly in front of you already not fitting?  It's okay!  The other drivers can go around you-- or just wait through another cycle for a green light!

Just kidding!  DC drivers don't go on green lights!  Green lights are only to let drivers know that the yellow light is coming, which is when they start to move, followed by the red, which signifies that they should hit the gas and start chatting on their cell phone.

Need to make a turn?  Make sure to do it from the middle lane!

Driving a taxi?  Pause to pick someone up from the middle lane!

Have your hazards on and pulling a camper behind you?  Do it from the mid- just kidding again!  You drive in the left lane for that, silly!

This is only the beginning of what we at the DC City Council hope will be the start of a beautiful relationship between you and the DC roads.  Next week's lesson: parking tickets are for everyone!



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