Friday, September 16, 2011

I'm from Connecticut, and so can you.

Being offered a podium by Katie, I've felt compelled to use it to promote a cause very close to Katie's heart, Connecticut.*
*Cause is not actually close to Katie's heart.
If you're a woman in Connecticut, Slaughterface will kill you.

Connecticut is a state steeped in history. In fact, the entire state is coated in a thick semi-permeable layer of warm and chewy history. Pretend you have a trillion dollars; now, pretend those dollars are history and you're Connecticut. You're almost there.

Lets snap off a mouthful of that history for a moment (contains nuts). In 1959 some populist taint weasels in the CT general assembly decided to designate our official nickname as the Constitution State, just because we wrote the first constitution in the world (you're welcome). Until that point (and since) our unofficial name has been the Nutmeg state (but more on that in a second).

See, in 1662 King Charles II granted us permission (but we would have done it anyway, I swear) to write our own constitution. A couple years later his successor James II comes by and is all like "yea, Charlie fucked up, can you give that back?" So we do what any brave, overtaxed, unrepresented colonist would do! We hid it in a tree and gave them a copy. Sic semper tyrannis!

Anyway, nutmeg. Connecticut doesn't grow nutmeg, nor has it ever. I have it on good authority that it doesn't even like nutmeg. Although there's a couple of theories where the name comes from, I like this one the best:
The sobriquet, the Nutmeg State, is applied to Connecticut because its early inhabitants had the reputation of being so ingenious and shrewd that they were able to make and sell wooden nutmegs.
And here too!
Connecticut gets its nickname ("the Nutmeg State", "Nutmegger") from the legend that some unscrupulous Connecticut traders would whittle "nutmeg" out of wood, creating a "wooden nutmeg" (a term which came to mean any fraud).
In fact, deceiving others is part of what makes a Connecticuter a Connecticuter. It's not just fraudulent spices and hiding things in trees, either. We gave the world Benedict Arnold, P.T. Barnum, George W. Bush, and Mark Twain (he knows what he did). Connecitcuters are masters of deception, in this respect we are much like ninjas. Flabby, caucasian ninjas.

Fun fact: The term "Caucasian" includes the Iranian and Assyrian peoples.
White Supremacists
But when you think of us, you don't think of Shinobi or sinister seed salesmen; you think of the antagonist from an 80's teen movie.
You're just a montage away from beating him at the race/martial arts tournament/transgendered journalism internship.
What most people fail to realize is that the worst ninjas in the world look like ninjas. The best ninjas in the world probably look like someone who caddied for 3 summers in high school and took sailing lessons. The bottom line is I wouldn't mess with someone from Connecticut unless you want a shuriken/tie clip in your larynx.

It's worth mentioning that we're not all fighters though. Connecticut is also a great place to find love! Ludacris has been successful in his romantic endeavors in western Connecticut (203) and it was the second state to allow same-sex marriage (Rhode Island still rebuffs our advances).

Our state motto is "Qui transtulit sustinet." For those of you who didn't take Latin in public school (really, that's just us?) that translates roughly as "if you move here, you won't die." I could literally go on for tens of lines about Connecticut, but I think you get the idea.

Slaughterface: "No one is going to save you because we're deep inside one of Connecticut's 30 beautiful state forests. Thirty!"
Jenna: "Oh, please don't kill me, I still haven't tried the famous seafood pizza at Sally's in New Haven!"

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