This is 30

Another year, another compilation. And I know it's been forever, and I'd like to make this one all about me and the flattering things you've said to/about me since my last birthday--

me:  i can feel the vitamins coursing through me!
Éamonn:  "KATTTIIEEEE SMAAASSSHHHH"
(for some reason you're the Hulk in my fantasy)

Sal: I read this in your voice

-- but then I thought, in the grand, kinda-annual tradition, let's shine the spotlight your way.

Mary: Can I note that David just came up on my "People to follow" on Twitter because we're both following The Real Adam West

me:  well, i was on o2 three times last night
so i suspect it will be a quiet weekend
Kaz:  I was trying to figure out the superhero terminology
and then went oh, periodic table

Anthony: if you can live in one city in westoros where would you live

(im a dork just answer the question)

Cat: haha someone just called that their toilet is bubbling

it's really hard to not laugh at that
Cat: i would run out and call ghost busters

Éamonn:  with that thing I can be all like PEW PEW PEW DEMONS!

Bre:  oh, I forgot to tell you he showed me his nunchucks

Éamonn: who knows though, we all make some poor judgement calls when we're younger

If I did all the shit I wanted to do when i was a kid, I'd be driving the Ninja Turtle Van right now

Cat: so oceanport has hired hot garbagemen

Bre: haha, totes and now I have to have coffee with her!

maybe I should say drinks

and just get super drunk

me: hahahah or you can go for coffee and you can just spike yours

Bre:  haha I like that too

she'll be all "I'm a doctor" and I'll be all "I'm drunk"

Ryan: i think i have that disease where you're a lottery winner who hasn't won the lottery yet

Éamonn:  I made an excel graph: number of monitors versus number of eyes

one of the lines was surprisingly flat

Bre: his mom was a potter
Katie: as in beatrix?

Cat: so i was going thru my texts trying to delete them
as i have well over a thousand
and it's slowing my phone down
and i was so drunk i kept hitting RESEND instead of delete!!!!
OMG
HORRORS

Ryan: it's amazing how many results i get for a gchat search of "whiskey slurpee"

David: it's never a good sign when you're watching keeping up with the kardashians, and you're like "I feel you khloe"

Bre: My entire family just broke into "irish rover" on the trolly back from the wedding. The other family was horrified.
Bre: then my mom starting singing the Boston College fight song with my cousin

Ryan: i always wanted to say in confession that i honored another god over my god but i never had the balls

Cat: haha and it'd be wonderful aside from i always feel really dumb around sal  

Cat: he once told me i needed to learn to listen to context clues in stories

Éamonn: Yea, I went 100% magic
but I miss some of the neat little effects you get from the melee combat
I married a guy and traveled with him as a companion and I eventually had to send him home because I kept accidently hitting him with lightening and slitting his throat with my conjured sword
Éamonn: I told Nathan not to read too much into that

Bre:  I think I may need to quit the online dating scene. Today I realized I was messaging a homeless, schizophrenic drug addict who I mistook for a sensitive writer.

Katie: i'm hungry

i want to be sitting at home in my corner eating something involving cheese

Cat: you realize you just described yourself as a mouse right?

Cat: sometimes, when i'm bored, i think up ways to torture people

Maggie: clouds ain't nothing but bitches and hoes, man

me:  ooooooooh SNAP 
Éamonn:  (I haven't arrived at a point yet)

Christmas is Coming

If you were born in the long summer, you wouldn't understand.

Happy Birthday?

One of our esteemed co-contributors celebrated her birthday yesterday. December 7th! Really? Nothing? As none of you probably know, yesterday was also Pearl Harbor day! Being born on a day that one of the greatest Americans in history once described as a "day that will live in infamy" is probably a bit of a downer. Thankfully for her, our terrible education system and a Michael Bay miscarriage have ensured that many people today don't remember Pearl Harbor, or at least can't recall the calendar date when challenged.

The Pilgrims dumped Tea into Pearl Harbor during the Civil War to protest Washington DC's license plates.

Spoiler Alert

Ryan: i am just a little frustrated that everyone is trying not to spoil it for me

which makes me think there is some sort of really over the top ridiculous thing that's going to happen, like ned stark getting offed

so i just keep waiting for that

Katie: SNAPE KILLED DUMBLEDORE

Ryan: ...

i don't think those guys have been introduced yet? which ones are they?

Guest Blog is Coming

I have a friend who recently began blogging. This friend has invited a number of her friends to write “guest posts” on her blog. I am not one of those friends. This has, as you can imagine, caused me not a small amount of pain and jealousy. Why has she not invited me? I have a voice. I have a keyboard. She has a blog. It’s obvious.

I can’t just ask her “may I please write something for your blog?” What if she says “no”? What if she says “yes”?? What if she says nothing and then just blogs about it? It occurs to me that situations like this seem to arise much more frequently than they used to. It makes me wish I had been born in another time, and maybe another place. (Despite all evidence to the contrary, the 1970s don’t count.) 

I wish I had been born in Westeros, the (probably) fictional setting for Game of Thrones. (I know the series is actually called “A Song of Fire and Ice”, but I defer to HBO as the definitive source here.) After spending 10 hours there this past weekend, I feel certain I could apply for dual citizenship. (And I would, if I were not certain Joffrey would have me executed for treason.) Even as a visitor, it is easy to see that life in the Seven Kingdoms would be simpler, more adventurous, and generally preferable to life in present-day DC. As evidence:

1. I would bring a sword to work instead of a laptop.
2. I would (probably) never receive spam messages via crow.
3. There is no Beltway.
4. There is no Facebook. If I post something on my Wall, it will be someone’s head; if someone “pokes” me, I won’t be confused as to the meaning.
5. Men outside of the theatre can wear capes with impunity.
6. Family mottos would replace corporate slogans. I’ll take “Winter is Coming” over “I’m Lovin It” any day.
7. MTV hasn’t filmed any shows there… yet.
8. The “nuclear option” is a dragon.
9. We would finally have a wall to keep out Canadians.
10. When summers span decades and winters can last a lifetime, you rarely need to switch out your summer/winter wardrobes.

Alas, I cannot return there until Season 2 comes out. But I digress… 

What to do about the blog situation? Instead of thinking for myself, I will draw wisdom from a “WWJD” bumper sticker. I assume it means “What Would Joffrey Do?”, and the answer is obvious: he would cut off somebody's head.

On second thought, I think I will just submit an unsolicited guest blog post.