Imagine Jenny McCarthy As Your Masseuse, But Like, Not Really

I have to apologize for the serious lack of posts in Ye Ole Famous Last Word(e).  I'd tell you that I was busy dealing with the holidays, with my cluster headaches, with desperation apartment cleanings, with finding a new job (mission accomplished!) and finding my own replacement, but really, I hit a major writer's block and all of the above are just excuses.

I tried to break the spell, truly, I did.  There are 27 different drafted posts in my folder right now, of which three are maybe decent, but I kept opening them up, staring at them, typing a sentence, and then opening up Imgur in a new browser tab instead. 

"Katie," I told myself.  "You need to relax." 

So I did what any other downtrodden urbanite would do: I dialed up my regular masseuse and requested a massage in the immediate future.

Unfortunately, Marcus, former masseuse to the Women's Olympic Soccer team, was not available. 

And thus my trauma begins.

So I made an appointment at a small salon near our apartment and walked over.  I sat myself next to another woman in the reception area and continued A Dance with Dragons until a very small, skinny man with a mustache came out and immediately triggered my NOPE NOPE NOPE alarm.

In case you haven't noticed, my Photoshop skills are slowly but steadily coming along.

 He started looking on the list for his next client. Not me, not me, not me, I thought.

How Not to Reassure a Cynic

As the black Santa Claus who worked at Macy's in December of 1990 can attest, I am an extremely skeptical person.

For the past several months I've been enduring chronic lower back pain. It's nothing close to a demon drilling into my eye, more along the lines of a troublesome imp kicking my lumbar. A gremlin rotating my spinal discs, or perhaps a lesser goblin operating a gondola service through my spinal canal.

The best treatment to chronic lower back pain,  people smarter than me say, is to see a Chiropractor. The cynic inside me was yelling "let me out, I have a family! I'll give you anything!" and also something about chiropractors not being medical doctors. As stubborn of a skeptic as I am, I'm open minded enough to try most anything at least once. Plus my insurance covers it.

Further Reasons My Life is a Farce... or My Unintentional Battle With God.

As I mentioned in my First Guest Post, People always think that I’m being facetious when I say that I truly believe that my life is a farce. As a result of the comedic twists that befall me, twice in my life, I thought it was a good idea to do battle with God over my perception of unfair treatment. The first was in high school… and intentional... and it didn’t end well. My second time at arms was completely one sided. For this entry, I thought we could take a leap to the time I went to Egypt for a month for a study abroad graduate course, and a world of misfortune rained upon my head for weeks. Literally. Misfortune LITERALLY rained down upon my head.

Thanks for noticing me...

The trip started out with such promise. Life had been pretty devastating the five months prior to going, and I was really looking forward to escaping from my current realities. My roommate for the trip, Amanda, and I bonded immediately over our matching J. Crew hair clips and Coach wristlets. I was in photography heaven, and it was fascinating to learn about this new, exotic land.

On the street where you live, girls talk about their social lives...

As Katie has kindly yielded me, Mary, her blog for the day (Famous last words indeed!), I should probably start with a little background:

Since the age of 16, I have absolutely, unwaveringly been (to coin Katie’s terminology) a Serial Monogamist. From 1999-2009, I have had 7 consecutive boyfriends. When my last, most serious relationship ended, I decided to try this thing that people call, “dating.” As I’ve never been single for more than a few months at a time, I decided, this was the perfect time to learn the dating thing, and take some time for myself. I have quickly discovered that while it is a fascinating process, this “dating” thing is a whole world of crazy. There are a lot of single people out there, and most of them are apparently single for a reason.

One of my more memorable evenings was spent with a fellow who I like to refer to as my, "Is This a Date?" Guy. (Just as an FYI, we went on FOUR, very memorable evenings all of which I felt like I was partaking in an audience-interactive show called, "IS THIS A DATE?") I have  decided to let you play along...

You "overreacted"? Is that your explanation?

Ryan:  hey bucko, this sounds like you at the movie theater
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/09/21/delta-passenger-accused-o_0_n_973056.html 

For those of you who don't feel like clicking over:

Shortly after he sat down on the Las Vegas-bound Delta flight on Sunday, Anderson elbowed his seatmate to "claim" the armrest. He then put his foot on the passenger's leg. The passenger then told Anderson to move over.


The complaint says Anderson threatened the passenger saying, "If I have a knife, I would slit your throat." The seatmate reportedly told flight attendants that Anderson reached into his bag a few times with something cupped in his hand.

David and I went to see Bad Teacher.  

(No, it was not that good.  But that's not the point of this story.)

So, if you're done interrupting, we go to see Bad Teacher.  We were running a little late, so in order to ensure a good seat, David got on line for popcorn and I went to secure some prime real estate. 

The midnight showing of the upcoming Footloose remake will attract only the most fervent fans.

I spotted some seats-- you know the type, in the middle, about halfway up-- and made my way over, tossed my bag in one seat and plopped myself in the other.

And that's when I saw them.

The Weather Girls and Other Liars

It's just water.

When I was little, I had a pretty healthy fear of the dark and couldn't sleep without the bedroom door open and a nightlight on.  I was pretty embarrassed about the whole thing until my mom told me The Story of Daddy's Nightlight.