This is 30

Another year, another compilation. And I know it's been forever, and I'd like to make this one all about me and the flattering things you've said to/about me since my last birthday--

me:  i can feel the vitamins coursing through me!
Éamonn:  "KATTTIIEEEE SMAAASSSHHHH"
(for some reason you're the Hulk in my fantasy)

Sal: I read this in your voice

-- but then I thought, in the grand, kinda-annual tradition, let's shine the spotlight your way.

Mary: Can I note that David just came up on my "People to follow" on Twitter because we're both following The Real Adam West

me:  well, i was on o2 three times last night
so i suspect it will be a quiet weekend
Kaz:  I was trying to figure out the superhero terminology
and then went oh, periodic table

Anthony: if you can live in one city in westoros where would you live

(im a dork just answer the question)

Cat: haha someone just called that their toilet is bubbling

it's really hard to not laugh at that
Cat: i would run out and call ghost busters

Éamonn:  with that thing I can be all like PEW PEW PEW DEMONS!

Bre:  oh, I forgot to tell you he showed me his nunchucks

Éamonn: who knows though, we all make some poor judgement calls when we're younger

If I did all the shit I wanted to do when i was a kid, I'd be driving the Ninja Turtle Van right now

Cat: so oceanport has hired hot garbagemen

Bre: haha, totes and now I have to have coffee with her!

maybe I should say drinks

and just get super drunk

me: hahahah or you can go for coffee and you can just spike yours

Bre:  haha I like that too

she'll be all "I'm a doctor" and I'll be all "I'm drunk"

Ryan: i think i have that disease where you're a lottery winner who hasn't won the lottery yet

Éamonn:  I made an excel graph: number of monitors versus number of eyes

one of the lines was surprisingly flat

Bre: his mom was a potter
Katie: as in beatrix?

Cat: so i was going thru my texts trying to delete them
as i have well over a thousand
and it's slowing my phone down
and i was so drunk i kept hitting RESEND instead of delete!!!!
OMG
HORRORS

Ryan: it's amazing how many results i get for a gchat search of "whiskey slurpee"

David: it's never a good sign when you're watching keeping up with the kardashians, and you're like "I feel you khloe"

Bre: My entire family just broke into "irish rover" on the trolly back from the wedding. The other family was horrified.
Bre: then my mom starting singing the Boston College fight song with my cousin

Ryan: i always wanted to say in confession that i honored another god over my god but i never had the balls

Cat: haha and it'd be wonderful aside from i always feel really dumb around sal  

Cat: he once told me i needed to learn to listen to context clues in stories

Éamonn: Yea, I went 100% magic
but I miss some of the neat little effects you get from the melee combat
I married a guy and traveled with him as a companion and I eventually had to send him home because I kept accidently hitting him with lightening and slitting his throat with my conjured sword
Éamonn: I told Nathan not to read too much into that

Bre:  I think I may need to quit the online dating scene. Today I realized I was messaging a homeless, schizophrenic drug addict who I mistook for a sensitive writer.

Katie: i'm hungry

i want to be sitting at home in my corner eating something involving cheese

Cat: you realize you just described yourself as a mouse right?

Cat: sometimes, when i'm bored, i think up ways to torture people

Maggie: clouds ain't nothing but bitches and hoes, man

me:  ooooooooh SNAP 
Éamonn:  (I haven't arrived at a point yet)

Awkward moments that kind of make you either want to cry or laughhysterically.

1. When your headphones aren't plugged in and the entire office hears you start playing Salt & Peppa's "Push It" on blast


2. When you take said iPhone to the Apple Service and the first song that comes up to play is Britney's Hit Me Baby. (Even better when the second is that ridiculous joke song, "I know my calculus, it says you + me = us" )

Not joking.

3. When you admit the more embarrassing additions to your iPod to an entire blogging community.


4. When you take the dogs out wearing a pair of fleece pants, glasses, and bed hair at 3am and the most beautiful man in the world watches you trip over their leashes.


5. When you try to use a q-tip and have your earbuds in (oh wait, that's another post)


6. When you fall off of a pyramid (hahaha, oh right another post :P)


7. When you think a guy is leaning in to kiss you because it may or may not have been a date, and then you lean in too and he doesn't. (Seriously, I'll stop now, I promise)


8. When you receive an email from one of your contractors, not in reference to your work, but with a "your boss said you were single, and so is one of my reps, and we thought you'd really hit it off... Can I give him your number?" and you realize that your office is trying to pimp you out. :P

9. While mobile app text typing this blog post on the metro, you nearly miss the metro doors closing and have to make a beeline to get off, mowing people down so as to not have to take the Greenline into ANACOSTIA.


10. When you get an urgent email FROM YOUR MOTHER with info about the Pfizer birth control recall and the subject line is not, "Does this affect you?" which would be embarrassing enough, but "Do you think you're pregnant??"


Doom.

The WSJ Thinks Your Wife Should Shut Up and Make You a Sandwich

Ken MacDougal feels victimized.  His wife, after she made him a sandwich, stuck a note in his lunch reminding him to stop by Home Depot after lunch.

Even years later, he remains traumatized and "peeved" about the situation: "I didn't need a reminder in the middle of my sandwich," he says.

Nagging, The Wall Street Journal earnestly reports, is even more common than adultery, and yet can be even more toxic to a relationship.  I'd like to helpfully remind you that adultery is traditionally considered a male attribute (although recent studies have shown that women are starting to cheat at almost the same rate as their male counterparts).  According to Howard Markman, a professor of psychology, nagging can be a prime contributer to divorce when couples start to argue about the nagging itself.  And of course, in that type of toxic relationship, who can blame a man for straying?

Women are much more likely to nag because they are "conditioned to feel more responsible for managing home and family life" and are "more sensitive."  Still, the WSJ rushes to assure us, men also hold a share of the blame.

Sure, a husband might tune his wife out because he is annoyed; nagging can make him feel like a little boy being scolded by his mother. But many times he doesn't respond because he doesn't know the answer yet, or he knows the answer will disappoint her.

In other words, his share of the blame is really still her fault, because women are too sensitive, and he is only trying to spare her feelings while he rationally assesses the situation.  It's also his mother's fault, who has been nagging him since childhood.

Back to Ken MacDougal.  His wife, sensitive to his tense "thousand-year stare," started signing her notes with extra hearts and smiley faces, trying to soften her words so as not to seem too threatening.  She even left out her own signature from the notes, instead signing them from "your faithful bathtub drain," or whatever appliance was low enough for him to step all over.

WSJ  leaves us with some tips to save our marriages.  Sometimes it is best to avoid the conflict altogether.  In the most dire of circumstances, perhaps hiring a handyman would be best.  Don't try and do it yourself, ladies!  That's still a man's job, even if your man doesn't feel like doing whatever chore is distracting him from the big game.  No matter what, be sure to avoid direct conflict.

"As long as I am not putting pressure on him, he seems to respond better," Ms. Pfeiffer says. Mr. Mac Dougall agrees. "The notes distract me from the face-to-face interaction," he says. "There's no annoying tone of voice or body posture. It's all out of the equation."

Finally, WSJ suggests adjusting expectations, asking wives, "Does that lightbulb need to be changed immediately?" Maybe not ladies, but your attitudes certainly do.

Cuddle Wars

Why are the dos and don’ts of sexual politics so complicated? Let’s take sleep etiquette for example. Is it that we don’t want to seem too needy—or worse, disinterested, that drives us to these stress-induced situations? The problem is that this is a recurring quiz with no right answer. A test you know is coming the moment you exchange flirtatious looks with the opposite sex, but inevitably creates a late night, partially clothed panic attack, nonetheless. Let’s look at a possible situation that may arise— with the knowledge that this habitual night-time conundrum will be back for our dignity, self-confidence, and personal space.

The beginning-of-a-relationship-cuddle is a very delicate and dangerous dance to master—one must be careful not to misstep. When a relationship is new and blinded by the fallacies we feed each other to appear more desirable than we really are, no one wants to be the first to suggest sleeping space. So, we blissfully fall asleep in each other’s arms, content with our decision to finally settle down.

An hour later, it strikes. A once comfortable embrace of security and acceptance has transformed into a sweaty prison of torture from which there is no escape without looking like a heartless monster. So, you endure the heat, or try a feeble whisper of “Are you hot?” (which they never are, and you know that considering they are fast asleep and sweatily snoring in your ear). You attempt a bathroom run, hoping to return undetected. This is a rookie mistake. This cocky move will only falsely raise your hopes and lower your temperature momentarily, before plummeting to the ground in a fiery (and overwhelmingly hot) end in the arms of your new lover, who wants to warm you up after your chilly walk to the bathroom. What a guy.

So we sweat. We sweat in the name of a blossoming romance, and in the hopes of a future where we are comfortable enough to tell that special someone to back off. Try to stay positive and focus on the perks of the love sauna during those sleepless nights. Your skinny jeans will fit in no time. Didn’t you ever wonder why people suddenly appear more attractive once they are taken? Mystery solved.

On the street where you live, girls talk about their social lives...

As Katie has kindly yielded me, Mary, her blog for the day (Famous last words indeed!), I should probably start with a little background:

Since the age of 16, I have absolutely, unwaveringly been (to coin Katie’s terminology) a Serial Monogamist. From 1999-2009, I have had 7 consecutive boyfriends. When my last, most serious relationship ended, I decided to try this thing that people call, “dating.” As I’ve never been single for more than a few months at a time, I decided, this was the perfect time to learn the dating thing, and take some time for myself. I have quickly discovered that while it is a fascinating process, this “dating” thing is a whole world of crazy. There are a lot of single people out there, and most of them are apparently single for a reason.

One of my more memorable evenings was spent with a fellow who I like to refer to as my, "Is This a Date?" Guy. (Just as an FYI, we went on FOUR, very memorable evenings all of which I felt like I was partaking in an audience-interactive show called, "IS THIS A DATE?") I have  decided to let you play along...