Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Clarissa Left Some Stuff Out

Certainly not everything.

Things Clarissa Did Not Explain:
1.  Sex
2.  How to Change a Tire
3.  How to Properly Clean Tarnished Silverware
4.  Gay People
5.  How to Fold a Bottom Sheet
6.  The Single Bullet Theory
7.  Where do babies come from?
8. The difference between Baptists and Methodists
9.  Who keeps watching Two and a Half Men?
10. Stonehenge
11. Chapter 14 of Joyce's Ulysses
12.  Who really was the Boss?  Mona?
13.  Roswell
14.  Why do all the best tv shows get cancelled?
15.  Why do so many musicians and artists die at age 27?
16.  The theory of relativity
17.  Benedict Arnold: traitor, or really Just That Whipped By His Wife?
18.  The Triangular Trade
19.  The Game of Mao
20.  How to whistle through a blade of grass
21.  Walt Whitman's poetry
22.  Ezra Pound: genius poet, or poetic fascist?
23.  Where to sit in the high school cafeteria
24.  Why did the New York Times hire Ross Douthat?
25.  How to be Catholic and pro-choice
26.  The Book of Revelations
27.  Where Jimmy Hoffa is buried
28.  Rongorongo
29.  The difference between a 4-3 and a 3-4 defense
30.  The 2011-2012 fantasy football seasons of Jamaal Charles, Peyton Manning and Chris Johnson
31.  Why did Donald Duck not wear pants, but used a towel after the shower
32.  Plato's Cave
33.  Cluster headaches
34.  Dry versus sweet vermouth
35.  Bourbon versus rye
36.  Neil Diamond
37.  How to diagram a sentence
38.  Minotaurs!
39.  Megasharks
40.  Giant Octopi
41.  The outcome of #39 versus #40
42.  Menstruation
43.  Bears
44.  Octupuses verus Octupi versus Octopodes
45.  Smiley Smile
46.  The Holocaust
47.  Irish Travelers
48.  The Carnac Stones
49.  Did King Arthur ever exist?
50.  What about Robin Hood?

51.  Buddhism
52.  Freeganism
53.  John Lennon
54.  The Lost Colony of Roanoke
55.  The Bermuda Triangle
56.  Thomas Jefferson's relationship with Sally Hemings
57.  That one night in college I can't remember
58.  The Voynich Manuscript and its relationship to #57
59.  The Tarim Mummies
60.  Rasputin
61.  The 17th century Dutch tulip mania
62.  Existentialism
63.  Dada
64.  French diacritical marks
65.  The origin of the Qwerty keyboard
66.  The Chelsea Hotel
67.  Leonard Cohen
68.  Bob Dylan
69.  Calculus
70.  How to throw a curve with a wiffleball
71.  How to spot a rip in the water
72.  What do moles eat?
73.  The nature of evil
74.  Altruism
75.  Who killed Nancy Spungen?
76.  The Three Stooges
77.  Millard Fillmore
78.  Html 5
79.  Polyamory
80.  Clouds
81.  Cloud networks
82.  Why does my neck crack every morning?
83.  What is the point of a word that does not rhyme with any other?
84.  Feminism
85.  Neo-post-modernism
86.  Andrea Dworkin
87.  Hugh Hefner
88.  Jocelyn Wildenstein
89.  Monotheism
90.  Dreams
91.  Does it really come down to the opposable thumb?
92.  The Aztec calendar
93.  Art
94.  Miley Cyrus
95.  Why can't we just leave Britney alone?
96.  The world's best cornbread recipe
97.   The intricate politics of the African Union
98.  Physics
99.  The compulsive need to reach a round number

And finally...

100.  How were you "just friends" with Sam, Clarissa?


  1. Or maybe forget all of the rest of that stuff and let me know how to get that hot piece to climb through my window every night?

  2. Calm down Katie. 33% of that is covered in the 15 year anniversary blu-ray deluxe set. Over 100 hours of never before seen footage, and more 'very special episodes' outtakes that you can shake a ferguson at.