Thursday, October 13, 2011

Universal Truth

Most people are familiar with Bacon's strange alchemical property to make anything better. You may not be aware, but Orchestras have the same effect on almost all music. This epiphany came while listening to a performance of Ben Folds performing with the West Australian Symphony Orchestra. It's been done for many other artists, and done again, and again. Making Ben Folds great isn't too hard to do,  so perhaps a better example is required: Metallica's S&M. I think we can all agree that Metallica sucks, but this is a thoroughly enjoyable endurable performance.

Seems like the most amazing thing ever, until they score you undressing with a piccolo (or a tuba for you ladies, I suppose)
Coffee also has a similar effect, not yet wholly understood. Coffee has the ability to make almost anything tolerable  (I can concede this, though I dislike coffee). Unlike Bacon and Orchestras however, alone it can never elevate anything beyond the endurable.

Glitter's ability to make anything fabulous is similarly well documented.

Seriously, who would name their kid "Newt"?

Farts are thought to be universally funny - but they belong in a different category. The idea of the President delivering a speech on economic expansion and blasting one out mid-rhetoric appeals greatly to my sense of humor. But the idea of Howard Stern doing it is, well, yawn. To be a good fartist, you have to master juxtaposition - otherwise you're only funny to stupid people.

Alcohol has the ability to make anyone more attractive, although not necessarily to the point of actually being attractive.

In 11th grade health class our 25-year-old wisp-of-a-girl teacher had us all write down our strategies for relieving stress and submit them to her to read aloud. Being the naïve doe-eyed girl she was, she didn't see the lights of the oncoming train. While the girls submitted things like exercise, reading (seriously?), writing in a journal, and yoga, the boy's responses had markedly less variety (I think all but two of the boys submitted the same answer). I can still remember how red she turned, but to her credit she read it aloud and conceded that it was a valid way of relieving stress. You girls have fun with your books, I'm putting the boy's answer down for universal stress relief.

And then of course there are things that almost universally make things worse (chronic exacerbators).  The sound of someone telling you to "calm down" or "relax." Wet socks. The coworker who enjoys sharing their views on elected officials and is bad at noticing social queues. Sharks.

"What a filthy job!"
"It could be worse."
"It could be raining."

Now, if you'll excuse me - I'm going to write in my journal (that's for the hat-trick).

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